Wednesday, January 13, 2010

just last week

He is naked next to me under the sheets, rubbing my side. It feels strange. We broke up a few days ago and haven’t touched each other for a week.

Just last week we were abusing each other in a drunken quarrel.

My skin is tingling under his fingertips. Part of me is beaming with excitement; another part is frozen with nerves. I don’t want to react too eagerly. So I peck him on the cheek. This is not an accurate reflection of how I am feeling or what I really want to do to him, but that's what I do and it is lame. It doesn’t matter because he pulls me closer. He is gentle but firm. Our mouths meet and our tongues start to play like a pair graceful fish dancers. His lips are like a like a moist plum. Part of me wants to cry, and another part of me wants to stop and tell him how amazing this is. Both actions would kill the moment, so I stay with it as much as I can. But I feel like I am on the edge about to slip out of it; On the very edge and it doesn’t quite feel real.

His fingers dance around my stomach, down around my hips and lightly snap the elastic of my panties around my left buttock. Is he daring me to take them off? Not yet. I want this moment linger a little longer.

Just last week we were sleeping on opposite sides of the van; cold and distant.
I am through with you” he had said after days of not talking to me.

He touches the inside of my undies, then pulls away. He pushes his fingers through another opening, then pulls away. I bite my lip as I am lost in his kiss. I can't take it any more. I pull off my undies and with one leg still in the air, he holds it their. He hooks his leg in so we are linked and sliding back and forth like a pair of scissors.

We start to move together rhythmically. We start moving a little off beat. All of it is adding to the excitement that is building up inside of me. I start to turn my body so that my back is to him. In slow motion I move to my stomach and he is wrapped around me like a python, somehow remaining balanced. The movement gets stronger then becomes slower and soft.

Is there any chance you will change your mind” I had asked him just last week.
No” he had said, “you are too destructive.

But tonight he is whispering in my ear.
Do you want me to come?

Yes” I say.
Are you going to come?
“Yes” I say.

Just last week I thought it was over.

As our breaths return to normal we are twisted in each others clutches. We are kissing the mouth, the face, the neck, the chest, the stomach as we fall asleep.

Monday, January 11, 2010

an unfortunate series of events

I was feeling changes in my body for a few weeks. My breasts were tender and sore to touch, and I was getting the feeling that my period was about to arrive for days at a time, and it never did. I had a bad inkling, and I sort of knew, but I pushed it away thinking it couldn’t be possible. I had been slack countless times in my teenage years and had been lucky every time. Since those years of reckless negligence of responsibility in regards to contraception, I had undergone chemotherapy and the doctors gave me little chance of being fertile. I was taking the pill but had gotten sloppy with it. Little chance meaning there was still a chance. I guess I should be happy that I beat the odds stacked against me. I hadn’t yet learnt the hard way, so that lesson was doomed to come.

Unfortunately I waited to go get tested till after an emotionally charged argument with my boyfriend. It was ugly and our relationship had been in ruins for 2 days. This was the worst news I could possibly hear as it left me feeling completely alone. I was traveling through New Zealand with him, I had no family or friends close by, only him, and he wasn’t really there.

I went and sat with him while I waited for a blood test. He asked me the results and I told him it was positive. He made a sarcastic remark and I burst into tears, the same as I had reacted when the nurse gave me the news. He put his arm around me as he kept reading his magazine; it felt horrible. I would like to think that his reaction would have been different if the circumstances w
ere more normal, but I can only really imagine this experience as being terribly lonely and no one can really understand and know what you need unless they have been in your shoes.

I was instantly certain that abortion was the only answer due to the state of our relationship and nurse made arrangements for all the preparation appointments I would need. If the circumstances were different I'm not sure if I would have been so certain. I'm not sure if we would have had to have that conversation about whether were ready for this, or if it was an option. I couldn't wait for things to get better with him, if they were ever going to, to have that discussion. I’m sort of glad that we didn’t have to have that awkward conversation, because the decision was one that had to be made quickly. I am a Libran, decisions are usually a painful process but it was obvious there and then what had to be done and I could decide it on my own with clarity.

We went to a party that afternoon. The whole way there I was upset at my fortune and angry at the company I was in. He showed no sympathy. When we got to the party I felt a little better. I drank some beer; chatted a little. He even put his hand on my leg which I thought meant things had miraculously fixed themselves. It amazing what a simple touch can do. That same simple touch can feel like just that on any other day, but then it felt full of hope and care, and I felt that my worries had disappeared for that brief moment.

He went inside and used his computer. He came back and told me I had broken it the other day when I had it in my bag and that I would have to pay for it. My problems were not his concern since now he had a major problem of his own. I didn’t know what happened to it and I tried what I could to fix it We went tw
o steps backward that moment and my new found positivity was shattered. It amazing how dramatically things can change in an instant and I assume all this was heightened by my fragile emotional state. A roller coaster doesn’t compare to my ups and downs. I felt more alone than I had before, and in the presence of his friends. Its funny how having more people around can accentuate your loneliness. I took some sleeping pills and went to sleep for 12 hours. I some how thought I would wake up and everything would have fixed itself.

Ofcourse that didn’t happen. He took me to an ultrasound appointment that morning, without a word. I went in, found out I was 9 weeks pregnant and would have to get the abortion before 12 weeks. We went back to his friends place, still without a word. Later that day, after a pleading email to him, we got the chance to talk. He outlined what I already knew, that he felt no responsibility and I would have to deal with the situation that I had created alone.

I worked that night until 2 am in a bar with at a summer festival. My lower back ached and all I could think about was going back to the van, where we were sleeping, and putting my arms around him. It got me though the night believing that if I got in the van, forgetting all the negatives of the past few days and just held him it would resolve everything. I was completely wrong, again. I got in and put my arm around him just to have him tell me not to. He said he was through caring for me, that it was over. Another few steps backward and back to the sleeping pills to dream it all away.

There were parts of me during the next sleep filled days that thought good riddance. That I was better off without a heartless man who made me feel so horrible. But there was another part of me that loved this man and wondered how
he could act this way, if what I had done to him could warrant this kind of behaviour. I didn’t reach a conclusion. I still haven’t. But our dynamics are better. We are stuck with each other as travel partners at the moment and we are being civil to one another. I don’t know if it means our relationship will continue, but as the abortion date draws near, I am feeling less alone and less futile. I still crave for those little signs of affection that mean so much to me now, but they are few and far between.

Tomorrow is my next
appointment with the clinic and hopefully the test results from the blood test will be clear so I can give the go ahead signal. Maybe I can get the assessment out of the way and then make a date for the actual procedure. I'm hoping for Monday next week.

It scares the hell out of me that I will be awake while it happens. It disturbs me that the foetus they suck out in tiny pieces will go into a bucket beside my bed that I will see if I turn my head a little to the left. Knowing me, I will impulsively look. What else do you do if someone say don’t look? If someone is about to get killed in a horror flick, I usually cover my eyes with my hands, but open my fingers so I can see. Those actions are all involuntary, apart of my curious nature that I can’t help. Hopefully I will be too sedated to think about it. Even the thought of seeing the equipment scares me the shit out of me. I have been inundating myself with blogs of other women’s experiences, trying to get both the horror stories and the positive ones, so I can go in there over informed and hopefully come out of it a little relieved that it was be no where near as bad as I was anticipating. Im not sure if that's a healthy process, but I have faith it will work for me.